Welcome to our joke section. We hope the selection on here makes you laugh, if not then well, sorry about that. If you want any jokes added then do send them to us.

Hip!

Despite what you may have seen on the streets,
the following combinations do not go together:

1. A nose ring and bifocals.
2. Spiked hair and bald spots.
3. A pierced tongue and dentures.
4. Miniskirts and support hose.
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads.
6. Speedos and cellulite.
7. A bellybutton ring and a gallbladder surgery scar.
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor.
9. Midriff shirts and midriff bulge.
10. Bikinis and liver spots.
11. Short shorts and varicose veins.
12. In-line skates and a walker.

Hairspray

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.  The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't.  It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

Well Organized Life

Two senior ladies met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life?"

"Oh yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; ,my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

"One for the money, two for the show. three to get ready and four to go."

Hard Of Hearing

An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing.
So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.

The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a
simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea
of the dimensions of the problem.

"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in
a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30
feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the
living room, and he says to himself,
"I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away.
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away.
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away.
"Honey, what's for supper?". No response.

So he walks right up behind her.
"Honey, what's for supper?"

"For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!!"

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FACE LIFT

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. 

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 

"I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" 

"About 32," is the reply. 

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily. 

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. 

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." 

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50." 

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. 

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." 

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!" 

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, 

"Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are." 
 

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 

"What the hell, go ahead." 

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. 

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay... How old am I?" 

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 

"Madam, you are 50." 

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 

"That was incredible, how could you tell?" 

The old man says, 

"Promise you won't get mad?" 

"I promise I won't" she says. 

"I was behind you at McDonalds."

DOCTOR

Middle age man goes to doctor for physical.

Doctor tells him he'll have to stop masterbating. 
"Why" the man asks.

Doctor replies"because it just makes it too difficult to examine you".

woman to man in bed aged 25 – “Why does sex always have to be about penetration?”

Man to woman in bed aged 55 – Why does sex always have to be about penetration?”

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  One 60 year old man to his doctor

‘I used to be able to get it up 3 times a night, now I just have to get up 3 times a night’